No Disrespect Intended

Can we pretend for just a minute that this is a anonymous blog?  Wait, what’s that? Oh, it’s been so long since I blogged that no one reads this anymore and the few people who may stumble on here don’t have any idea who I am?  Perfect.

And why do I want this to be anonymous? You ask.  Because I’m going to talk about breasts.  And not just any breasts, my breasts.

You see, I used to have some.  Breasts that is.  I’ve never been chesty by any stretch but once upon a time I was a very respectable b cup.  Then I went on birth control and I was a c cup.  Then I got pregnant and for a minute I even went up from there. 

But then I stopped nursing and I stopped taking birth control and well, let me put it this way: when I go into Victoria’s Secret and the very nice girls there measure me I always get the same pitying look and then a half smile and a, “it looks like you’re an a cup.” 

An A cup. 

That’s what they say but the fact is I’m not an a cup, I’m a aa cup or a training bra (although, sadly, not nearly as perky as the usual inhabitants of the training bra) or maybe just a couple of band aids.  The fact is that I don’t need a bra at all, but the girls in Victoria’s Secret are aware of the fact that they sell bras and if they tell me that I don’t need what they’re selling then I won’t give them any of my money, so they tell me I’m an a cup.

Now, if this wasn’t an anonymous blog and you knew me and you had seen me you would be saying to yourself, “she has boobs.  Not big ones certainly, but she has something.”  You would be saying that because most of the time that’s true, I do look that way.  That’s because the girls at Victoria’s Secret were victorious in our little skirmish and I did give them my money in exchange for two bras that are sufficiently padded to make me a b cup again (or to serve as flotation devices for a small Cuban family trying to make a break for Florida) the bras in question are in fact so padded that they do not fold, they do not bend, they do not turn inside out (as one might try to make them do when folding laundry) and it’s a good thing that they have such innate strength, because sadly, I don’t even fill up the inner cups.

So to summarize my story so far, I have no breasts but most of the time I look like I do.

There is however, one time that I don’t.  You see, just like, and for the same reason that, I’m willing to spend obscene amounts of money for Styrofoam at Victoria’s Secret, I wear a sports bra to the gym.  (That reason being that I’m unwilling to leave the house without a bra.)  The problem is that, as most smaller chested girls will tell you, the sports bra is designed to hold you down and when you don’t have much to begin with and then you make a point of strapping it down, well, when I go to the gym I look like a breast cancer survivor.

Really.  So much so that I’m thinking about just going with that.  I think maybe I’ll buy a t-shirt with a big pink ribbon graphic on it or maybe see if I know someone with a spare walk for the cure t-shirt and start wearing it to the gym.  Maybe I’ll inspire someone with my bravery in the face of my obstacles.  I do have obstacles, just not breast cancer.  Besides I wouldn’t say that I had breast cancer, (I wouldn’t say anything at all, no one at the gym will talk to me but that’s a whole other post) I’ll just let them draw their own conclusions.

School Starts Again Today

And in honor of that, and in honor of mother’s day last week I give you “the Biologist’s Mother’s Day Song”.

Happy Monday!

Bucking the System

For your listening pleasure, one of the least romantic songs ever written (that’s not of the “love stinks” variety).

Happy Valentine’s day.

Life Altering Decisions

I’ve decided to be 33.

Questions for the Universe

Does “turn off the TV” always have to be code for “go bug your brother”?

I’m Just Sucker With No Self Esteem

A few thoughts:

I got an email today from one of my friends at work who’s also sort of my boss (it’s complicated).  He sent it to me and another guy who had been having an email discussion about something that didn’t get done by the people that it should have and… anyway it was pretty dumb and it was something that I was done with.  The email that I got this morning was telling us to drop it.  It wasn’t aggressively worded or unkind.  And yet, I feel like a puppy who’s been slapped. I find myself wanting to send an email saying “I was done with it anyways so nanny nanny nanny” or ” maybe just pointing to the other guy and saying “he started it” or… I don’t know, it’s dumb and I’m over it.  (But I did think it was funny how I initially reacted.)

I was reading some of Elizabeth Smart’s testimony in court yesterday (holy crow, the crap that girl had to go through…) there was a statement in there that through the whole thing she always knew that there were people who loved her and that she was a person of worth.  Say what you want about the Smarts but they had them some crazy effective family home evenings in their home.

Lately the Princess has been very sweet, kind and mostly reasonable.  Now I know that kids go back and forth between testing boundaries (and just generally driving their parents nuts) and living comfortably within those boundaries so this turn of events may be totally organic but I can’t help but give at least some of the credit to her current best friend Katie.  It’s not that Katie is some amazing perfect child, I occasionally find her to be very annoying and an insufferable know it all, but she does have one thing going for her.  She’s one of those kids who’s perfectly happy being who she is, and more importantly I think for little girls, being the age that she is.  Before this the Princess was spending a lot of time with a girl who was  a year older than her and who herself wanted to be older than she was.  I think that just makes for a lot of angst.  But when you accept where you are and just have fun with it it makes you a much more pleasant person.  (There might be a life lesson there…)

Happy Wednesday Everyone.

Stuff You Should Love

The year for Christmas (yes, I’m mentioning Christmas before we’re even past Halloween) the adults in my family are giving each other something we love.  Here’s my sister’s description of the plan:

Everyone brings enough of their favorite thing to give everyone one. It could be chap stick or gum or pens or notepads or whatever. Just something little, or big, if you are really rich, that you love. So everyone takes home 9 things. (Mom and Dad and Aunt Kay are included so that makes 9 right?) If you want to bring one thing from you and one from your spouse then it will be more than 9 but whatever you want to do will be great. Brian and I are doing two things and it sounds like Cat and Scott are as well so whatever works. This is very unofficial but I think it is amazing what you can learn about people from this and its fun to take home things you wouldn’t normally think to buy. There really is no wrong thing here Al. Nobody is gonna hate whatever it is you bring.

Most of you don’t know any of the people mentioned there but you get the idea right (yes, the Al referred to is me, I maintain that I can come up with something that I love that Cat will love and something that I love that Brian will love but that those things are not necessarily the same thing).

However, I’ll keep thinking about it and no doubt, come up with something brilliant.

In the meantime I thought I’d tell you about something I’m loving lately.

About a month ago I downloaded my first podcast (yeah, I know, very very behind the times) my first (through fifth) podcast(s) was (were) LDS General Conference and may I say that I highly recommend.  Reading through the talks again is great and I’m doing that too (how much do I LOVE the church’s use of technology?  So very very much!) but I really like listenting to the talks spoken as well, there’s a different spirit there.

But that’s not what I was going to tell you about.  I was going to tell you about stuff you should know.  Or more accurately ‘Stuff You Should Know”.

For those of you not aware of this show it’s a podcast, usually two guys, Josh and Chuck, and they just talk, appropriately enough, about stuff you should know.  Just all kinds of random interesting stuff.  Listening to this show I’ve learned about pirates and mercenaries, about how organ donation works (I already knew that but their take on it was interesting) and about the Vikings.  And I’m all set to learn a lot more, I’ve got “how mirrors work” and “how tone deafness works” all queued up.

And there are tons of them.  I guarantee that you can find something that will tickle your fancy as well.

In addition to being interesting these guys have a fun interesting rapport that’s pretty fun to listen to.

It turns out that the podcast is just an offshoot of a whole website about “how stuff works”  where there are articles and blogs and podcasts and … well, just about everything you could want.

And that my friends is my gift to you.

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