A Poll

But not a real poll because I’m too lazy to figure out how to put a poll in (and no, I don’t want you to tell me how easy it is, I’m perfectly happy in my ignorance).

And we meander back to the point, which is:

What are your thoughts on your spouse remarrying in the event of your untimely demise?  (See, that doesn’t work as a poll anyway.)

I was chatting with one of my Dr. friends the other day and he says that on the rare(ish) occasion that he has this discussion with his wife, she’s not a fan of the idea of his remarrying.  I’m given to understand that this is a normal reaction.

Apparently I’m not normal.

The idea of Sean remarrying is not even a little worrying to me.  The thought of his not doing so on the other hand… Well, that’s no good.  I want my kids to have a mother.  (As long as I’m around they’ll have to make due with me but if Sean gets another chance I ‘d love him to pick someone who’ll do a better job with them.)

I want my husband to have a wife. I adore the man but he is prone to be a little moody and occasionally he need some one to tell him to get over himself, that’s the wife’s job.  It happens to be a job at which I excel and I don’t really expect him to find someone better than me at that but he ought to find someone who’ll at least try.

I asked Sean the other day if he thought he’d remarry.  He said maybe but that he wouldn’t be sealed to her.  But that’s a whole other post and I have homework to do.

Happy Tuesday.

18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Braden
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 10:29:30

    I’m glad you are posting again. I was starting to enjoy your blog and then the posts stopped.

    I would very much want my wife to remarry. The kids need a dad, and if they’re gone, I wouldn’t want her to be alone. Deep down, I do worry, though, that she will reluctantly marry and after a few years say something like, “Wow!!! Did I miss the boat the first time around. I can’t believe how much better this guy is” and go get our sealing cancelled.

    She is not wild about the idea of me remarrying.

  2. bythelbs
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 10:39:08

    I would be OK with my husband remarrying as long as he waited an appropriate amount of time (like longer than the 6 months my own father did), and as long as he was sure the new wife would love my kids and that my kids would always know they were the priority. Yes, new wives shouldn’t be second class citizens in a family with stepchildren, but there’s a danger in making the kids feel less important than the new spouse and I think that’s wrong considering they’ve already lost one parent and would essentially feel like they’ve lost the other as well.

    So, yes, with stipulations and fine print.

    Hmmm…can you tell I have issues here?

  3. Mother of the Wild Boys
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 10:42:27

    Ditto what bythelbs said. Including issues…oh, the issues!

  4. madhousewife
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 16:10:24

    My basic philosophy on this is “what do I care? I’ll be dead.”

    I don’t have to worry about reassuring my husband that it’s okay for him to remarry. If I even tried to tell him not to, he’d be like, “Yeah, right, lady–who’s gonna stop me?”

    I actually think he’s in for a rude awakening. I look forward to when he remarries and realizes how good he had it with me. Of course, I’ll be dead, so how much satisfaction I’ll get out of that moment is debatable.

  5. Melissa
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 20:01:56

    You’re really nice, and caring, and thoughtful. I, on the other hand, have forbade my husband from remarrying. And have gone so far as to promise that I will haunt him and his new bride with all of my spectoral strength if it ever happens.

  6. Annette
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 20:25:06

    That’s the very basis of my first book. I used to think I’d never want him to remarry, but then I had a dream where I was going to die and realized that my kids wouldn’t have a mom. I wanted desperately for him to remarry so they’d have a mom, and I knew I’d honor and revere the woman who raised them as her own.

    (The reality is that men can’t handle living alone. They remarry far more often than widowed women do.)

  7. Chris Jones, Lehi Utah
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 09:17:42

    Men REQUIRE a wife to be fully functional. This is perhaps not true in every single case, but it’s so generally accurate as to be axiomatic. We need you.

    And we want you, so we’re going to try to remarry.

    I have never, to my knowledge, disagreed with Bythelbs, but this time I do. If the kids are the priority, the second marriage will not work. I go so far as to say that if the kids are the priority, the FIRST marriage will not work. My wife comes first, before everything else of this world, including the children. They are very clear on this point. We’ve been pretty explicit about it. Jeanette was my dearest love before they came, and she’ll still be here when they go.

    Were Jeanette to die, assuming I could be forcibly prevented from throwing myself on her funeral pyre, I would definitely try to find someone to marry. Were I to die, I assume she would do the same. I hope she would. The thing is, I want HER to be happy. If remarrying would help her be happier, then what sort of person would I be, what kind of love for her would I be showing, if I didn’t want her to do it?

  8. Braden
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 09:22:56

    Bravo, Chris on everything you said. Especially about the kids/first priority, for both spouses.

    I have wondered if when the Lord said “It is not good for man to be alone” he was imprinting something deeply on our male souls.

  9. Catherine
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 11:15:01

    You’re going to have a funeral pyre for Jeanette?! THIS I’d have to see.

    Anyway, I can say without hesitation that my husband can’t be alone for more than a week, let alone the rest of his life. I give him a year, two tops, before he’s found someone else. Of course, he’d have to figure out how to manage dating while living with his mom because she would undoubtedly be taking care of the children. That could be a real challenge.

  10. bythelbs
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 11:40:32

    Chris, I admit THE priority is a poor choice of words and agree that the relationship between a husband and wife needs to come first in a marriage and family. However, as a child with a stepmother, I stand by my assertion that kids should not be made to feel that they are less important or less valued than the new wife. A father should never say to his adolescent son six months after he’s lost his mother, “Don’t make me choose between you and your stepmother because you’ll lose.” You can’t let your kids ruin your relationship with your new spouse, but you also can’t let your new spouse ruin your relationship with your kids. Particularly when there are younger kids still living at home, and the surviving parent is all they have. I think my point was that I’m all for spouses remarrying, but when you have children, especially young children, it can’t be 100% about you and your needs.

    But like I said, I have issues. And I’m glad to know you usually don’t find me too disagreeable. 🙂

  11. Chris Jones, Lehi Utah
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 12:29:38

    @Bythelbs, I think we agree pretty closely. There’s nothing in what you said that I disagree with. It’s more a perspective difference, and that could be because I am a father, not a mother, and my primary job is stability, not compassion.

    I don’t choose between my children and my wife, but I also do not make a secret of the fact that the foundation of my children’s lives is the bond between Jeanette and myself. They exist because WE exist. The reason their life is so good is that OUR life is so good. This, incidentally, is the same calculus behind my (both of our, actually) insistence that God comes first, before either of us. Without Him, there is no us.

    Now, were that bond to be fractured by death (or divorce, though in divorce the bond would have been fractured before the legal event), then I’m at sea. I don’t know anything about that kind of situation. I’d fall back on my principles, and likely attempt to put the marriage relationship back in its primary family position. And that might not work. I can certainly see why it wouldn’t. You seem to be telling me that it would at least be problematic, and you know a lot more about it than I do. Maybe we’ll just go with what you think, then.

    In thinking about it, you’re probably right, especially for the older children. Their foundation would at least largely still be with the old marital partnership, and I can see that an attempt to impose a new one would cause a good deal of friction.

    Wouldn’t a lot of it come down to how the new relationship was established? In a divorce, this is practically impossible to do cleanly, but in a death, just imagining how I would go about it if J were gone, if you wanted to date me, you’d have to date all nine of us. And if the kids didn’t sign off, then there wouldn’t be a wedding. The primary relationship is with me, but unlike the original marriage, where the marriage was first and the kids came later, in this case the kids are there first.

    Never thought about this before. I can see why Bythelbs has her own fiefdom in the Wonderland.

  12. cheryl
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 12:46:38

    I agree with Bythelbs. And now Chris Jones.

    Nothing about remarriage is easy. And it kind of shouldn’t be –just because it isn’t the “ideal.” Not that the “ideal” even happens very often, but still, it’s ideal. Because it’s the ideal.

    Oh, and yes, Brandon could remarry. Since I already know I’m the first wife. And I will rule all.

    Okay, just kidding. About the ruling it all. Not the remarrying.


  13. bythelbs
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 12:58:06

    Chris, I think we’ll just have to agree to agree.

    And as if Pie Day wasn’t already evidence enough, I think the Jones family is more than kind of awesome.

  14. MAGGIE
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 16:50:29

    I Goldilocks Alison’s first and only girl will not let either of my parents remarry if they do I will probably die so don’t if you don’t want me to die love ya mom

  15. Susan M
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 20:22:23

    Yeah, my husband would be a basketcase if he had to live on his own. Actually I would too but for completely different reasons. As a diabetic I’ve had to face my own mortality quite a bit more than the average person, so I’ve thought about it a lot. Actually, back when he was inactive, I always figured I’d die young, he’d reactivate AND remarry, and the second wife would get all the good years. But that’s not what happened. 🙂

  16. E
    Mar 03, 2010 @ 21:04:36

    Most of you know my husband. Those of you who don’t are missing out. He’s a lot of fun. But the point is that even though I would want him to remarry, I’ve told him he should remarry, I’ve given him pointers on how he might go about getting married, we all know he never would. Seriously, think about it. He never would.

    We have been married for 15 years and in all that time I’ve never known a single woman that I thought “if I died Brent could marry her.” And that’s not because I haven’t tried to find someone, and it’s not because I’m picky. It’s because he is CRAZY picky. Sometimes I wonder if he would marry me if I were to die and then he got amnesia and I came back to life and met him (do you like how I set up the scenario?) But I might be wrong.

    Because in some ways it would be easier for him the second time. Before we got married he had four requirements 1)someone he was attracted to, 2)someone who was committed to the church at roughly the same level that he was, 3)someone who was intelligent, 4)someone who was healthy. But he has told me that 3 & 4 were only requirements because of the need to have healthy, intelligent kids. So now that he’s done procreating, attractive and faithful might not be that hard to find. Except that he’s not exactly young, so that makes it harder.

    I’ve told him next time he should go for nice and see how much better it is to be married to a good wife. But he apparently doesn’t think that’s too important ’cause he told me next time he would have a trophy wife. HELLOOOOO??? I thought I WAS the trophy wife!!!!!

    I would probably remarry. I’m pretty independent, but I also really like being married. And I really wouldn’t want to go the rest of my life without engaging in certain activities that go along with being married. Yep, that is what I mean.

  17. Flipflopmama
    Mar 04, 2010 @ 08:04:17

    I want my husband to remarry but I think I remember him saying he doesn’t want to. I’ll have to ask him again. I don’t think he could survive very long without someone to take care of him.

  18. E
    Mar 04, 2010 @ 10:33:44

    What happened to my post?

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