Prayer, Trust and Bargaining

Pardon the blatant religion.  Or, you know, don’t, whatever.

There’s something I want.  I say want because I’m not sure that it quite classifies as a need, but it’s a close thing.  What I want is to register for Physiology.  It’s the last class I have to take to fulfill the nursing prereqs and I just want to take it and get it out of the way.  Unfortunately, Physiology has a prereq of its own, Biology, a class that I’m taking this semester but because I don’t have a grade for Bio, I can’t register for Phys.  So I’m doing all that I can to get it, I’m making phone calls and sending emails and checking the computer and all that.

And I’m praying.

When I first realized that I might have trouble registering for Phys I prayed about (also about whether I’d be able to handle the class without the Bio background) and the answer I got was that I shouldn’t worry about it, that I’d somehow be bale to get the class and I’d do fine in it.  I think.

And there’s my first problem.  I believe that the Lord sends us signs, I believe that He talks to us and I believe that He points us in the right direction.  Except really I believe that most of the signs are in the fine print, that He mostly whispers and that He does a lot more gentle nudging than He does pointing.  I’d really rather He just grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me in the direction I need to go but it doesn’t work like that.  I pray and I feel like I’m getting answers (sometimes) but, then I inevitably wonder if I’m just deluding myself, if my subconscious or something has just kicked in and calmed me down and it’s not divine direction at all, just my brain trying to lower my blood pressure.  I’ve gotten better at trusting the calm, and I know that that’s the best way to be more sure that it really is an answer the next time, but it’s still hard.

So here I am now, the semester’s started and I’m still not registered for Phys.  And the brilliant plan that I came up with last fall, of showing up in class and explaining the situation to the instructor and getting him/her to register me has been shot all to heck and gone because the school has changed the method by which students are added to classes so it’s all back on me and I still can’t register because I still don’t have a grade for the prereq.  So I’m back to the nail biting and hoping and calling and emailing and praying.  And I’m back to the doubting my answer from before except that I’m getting the same answer now.  But how can that be right?  The class is sure to fill up and then even if I talk someone into my point of view they won’t be able to help me because there won’t be space!  So I’m praying harder but well, that’s just silly right?  I mean I’m an adult, how may times can I say please?  What I want to do is offer something.  I want to bargain.

I’m on my knees and I find myself saying or at least wanting to say “get me into that class and I’ll go to the temple twice a month” or “I’ll make sure that I do scriptures with the kids every day, not just school days” or “I’ll never swear again”.  (All worthy goals I’d like to point out.) But I know that that’s not how it works, I know that the Lord doesn’t work on the barter system, bad things happen to good people all the time, cheaters prosper with some amount of regularity.  It’ll all even up in the end, I believe that too, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll get into the Phys class that I need whether I go to the temple every day or not.

So what’s a girl to do?

Nothing dang it.  I need to keep trying to do my best, maybe I should try to read scriptures with the kids a little more but not so that I’ll get into Phys, just because I should.  I need to keep doing everything I can to get into the class, and I need to trust the Lord that whatever happens, whether I get into Phys or not, will be the best thing for me and my family.  I need to trust the fine print and the whispering and the nudges.  But if you happen to see a billboard with my name on it, let me know will ya?

PS.  I got into the phys class this morning and in the end it was really easy, it took one phone call.  Maybe the Lord was right and I didn’t need to worry after all.  Huh.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. flip flop mama
    Jan 15, 2010 @ 11:19:58

    Hooray for answers to prayers!

  2. madhousewife
    Jan 15, 2010 @ 12:54:10

    Glad you don’t have to worry.

    I’d really rather He just grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me in the direction I need to go

    You too?

  3. Hel
    Jan 15, 2010 @ 14:25:24

    I’m not too good with subtlety either. I am learning to accept the gentle whisperings, but like you I wish it were a definite jab in the right direction.

    I’m glad that it did end up being easy.

  4. Melanie J
    Jan 16, 2010 @ 17:48:40

    The Lord is pretty smart.

  5. Annette
    Jan 17, 2010 @ 20:04:11

    That’s awesome! But wouldn’t it be nice if he didn’t wait quite so long and test our faith RIGHT to the end? Just sayin’.

  6. Janelle
    Jan 20, 2010 @ 16:16:56

    I think the Old Testament has some bartering in it. I know I’ve done some bartering, my friends think its false doctrine but I feel obligated to live up to my end of the deal, because I was blessed in the way I asked.

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