Do NOT Read This Post Out Loud

my ovaries might hear you and start getting ideas.

Please feel free to refer back to this section of the post as often as needed. I’M NOT PREGNANT! I have a semi permanent implant that insures that I do not become so, and in addition to that, hormonal and -ahem- physical manifestations over the past 5 or 6 days have assured me that I’M NOT PREGNANT.

That being said, my back hurts.  A lot.  Like I can only just stand up kind of pain.  Like, don’t even think about trying to lift your one year old kind of pain.

I’ve had this pain before.  It usually only last two or three days but, given how I started this post, can you guess when I had this back pain?

I had this pain once about two weeks before I found out I was pregnant with the Infantile Delinquent and again about eleven months after he was born.  (The InfaDel and the Baby are 19 months apart, you do the math.)  In fact, when I went to my (the Baby’s) first prenatal appointment, with my OB who’s a family practice doc and also happens to be the kids pediatrician, one week after being in his office for the InfaDel’s one year well check, and I had only just quit nursing (because I was pregnant) so my body had not (to put it delicately) restarted cycling with any regularity, he asked what had made me think that I even might be pregnant.  The answer was that I had two days of so horrible I couldn’t even walk, back pain.

So this time, well, I’m not worried (are you referring back to the top?) but if I were… well, between this and this and this it might be enough to make me contemplate suicide.  Or worse.


I’m sure I’ll be fine.


And seriously, please spare me all your “My friend had ans IUD and she got pregnant” and “my cousin had breakthrough bleeding for the first four months so she didn’t even know she was pregnant until the baby started moving” stories.  I don’t want to hear them.

This post was written solely for comedic affect, I do NOT, even a little teeny tiny bit, think that I’m pregnant.  At all.  No, really.

14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. LisAway
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 01:50:00

    Well, I remember that the ONLY time in my first I think three pregnancies as soon as I felt that little tendon pulling when I coughed or twisted I knew I was pregnant. Since then, though it happens even when I’m not pregnant. So, see. Sometimes stuff like that happens. Sorry it’s debilitating back pain for you when it’s only a tiny tendon pulling for me.

  2. Kristina
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 06:49:06

    Wait, maybe you’re pregnant!

  3. Jami
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 07:07:01

    It was me, not a friend. Seriously–triple up. That there’s ovulation pain. I thought I was insane when I had a sudden urge to go on the pill in addition to my IUD, so I talked myself out of it. I mean 99.8% what more could you want.

    My advice? A condom, the sponge, and some spermicide slapped on your door posts for good measure. Just saying.

  4. Melanie J
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 07:28:32

    Yeah, the back thing is a problem for me, too. As in I get back labor and I can’t lift anything over five pounds during my pregnancy and I even get back pain instead of cramps the rest of the time. Lame. Sorry you’re dealing with it. Totally sucks and ibuprofen doesn’t do much.

  5. Janelle
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 09:23:06

    Whoa Nellie!

  6. flip flop mama
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 10:10:23

    Have you taken a test??? I’m just sayin’… 🙂

  7. bythelbs
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 10:13:31

    All right then.

  8. Melissa
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 16:24:25

    Abstinence , yes, good idea, that is unless it’s already too late…

    I read stories about people getting pregnant with IUD’s as late night horror stories. I’m thinking about hosting a mommy campout where we roast marshmallows and tell of unexpected pregnancy stories (someone better come with a good one about multiples.)

  9. robyn
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 16:48:19

    Yeah, I won’t tell you about my sister in alw that had five c-sections in five years because she was using the very best protection ever!

    I don’t know why I find this amusing, I have told everyone that I would drive off the nearest cliff if I got pregnant again.

  10. Jen
    Apr 17, 2009 @ 19:31:37

    Well, I’m sure in nine months you be writing a big I-told-you-so post. I’ll be waiting. Because I too know you’re NOT pregnant. Because that never happens.

    I’m gonna go now before I get myself in trouble.

  11. cheryl
    Apr 19, 2009 @ 18:51:26

    This is me snorting and giggling and laughing and ROFLing (no, not Rolfing –which would be puking –HA! Unless you ARE pregnant and you’re gonna be sick!! Haha!!).


    Dude –I never question irony. But then again, I do. Ironic irony is the best, you know.

    P.S. I find this hilarious and sad and sobering and some-more-hilarious just because I’m so friggin’ pregnant and starting to get uncomfortable. However, I do not wish this upon you because I know what it would entail. So, good luck! May your back pain go away and may your ovaries shrivel up and die (only because you kind of want ’em, too, not because I’m vicious. Yes.).

  12. madhousewife
    Apr 20, 2009 @ 12:25:56

    No comment, or I might start thinking that I’m pregnant.

  13. JIllybean
    Apr 20, 2009 @ 12:36:05

    I hope you knocked on wood every time you typed the phrase “I’m not pregnant”

  14. annie valentine
    Apr 21, 2009 @ 11:44:24

    I’d like to bear my testimony that IUD’s really work. You are not pregnant. As your good friend, I’m here to tell you that you’re just semi-crazy, but not pregnant.

    (Have you peed on that stick yet, BTW?)

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