It’s Not That There’s No Love At Home, Honest

I tend to not be a very serious person.  I joke, I kid, I make snide and sarcastic remarks, it’s who I am.  I’m not the life of the party, I’m the girl in the corner making rude comments about the life of the party.  In fact, it’s entirely possible that I’d rather be thought funny than pretty.  (Although both works even better for me.)

And if you’ve spent any time at all here in the Wonderland you know that it’s all about the rodents and the two-year-old felons and not a whole lot about the intangible real things that life is really all about.  (Yesterday’s post excepted, although it even started out tongue in cheek.  Sorta.)  Despite the fact that according to Mormon Mommy Blogs I’m a thinker of big thoughts, I am in fact a thinker of a lot of small insignificant and mostly irrelevant thoughts.

I spent a little while reading C Jane last night.  Do you read her?  Her writing is beautiful.  I hate her.

I secretly aspire to one day write beautifully.  I want to paint the proverbial pictures with my words.  I want to write about important life, and more importantly, heart altering things.  I want to write in a way that does something to your soul.

I’m not sure if I can.  And I’m afraid to try.

I read a lot of blogs but I don’t read many blogs like hers or Brooke’s at This is the Life and I don’t even consider going to Segullah.  All of these women give me a massive inferiority complex.

And I can’t help but wonder, do they really see that much beauty everywhere?  How?  And how do they bake with their children (or nieces) and focus on baking with their children (or nieces) rather than on the mess that is being made that they’re going to have to clean up or the fact that if they could just do it on their own it would be done so much faster?  Are their living rooms really as clean as they look in the backgrounds of the pictures of their adorable children?

I feel infinitely out-classed, out-homemade (homemaked?), out-momed.  And then to add insult to injury, they out-write me.

I could rail on about the unfairness of it all (because having to work full time rather than getting to be a stay at home mom and drink in all the beauty or, er- snot, is so much more unfair than say, having your sister nearly die in a plane crash and end up hospitalized for months and spending the time that you should be enjoying being the mom to one little baby caring for said sister’s kids) but the fact is that some of it is how I am and a lot of it is the life that I chose.

So I’m trying to see the beauty.  I’m working to see the beauty in a case that I did a few nights ago that will allow two people who I’ll never even see live for years more than they would have, and to spend those years off dialysis.  It’s a beautiful thing but that end of those cases can be very hard.)  I’m trying to see the beauty of the case I mentioned last night that I won’t go into (because I can’t) but you can read about it (in a round about way) here.   And I’m trying to see beauty in my six year old son who is so willing to help and unconcerned while saving his mother from one of her biggest fears.  And an almost one year old son who’s content to just lie next to me and sort of smile up at me when I’m done nursing him, if only for a few moments.

And once I see the beauty around me, maybe I can write about it.


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Melanie J
    Nov 14, 2008 @ 00:49:05

    I tend to see the funny more often than I see the beautiful, but I always feel blessed by the moments when I am touched by grace. Good luck in your quest for beauty. And I think you write wonderfully well.

  2. LisAway
    Nov 14, 2008 @ 07:57:15

    Sheesh. I hate people even talking about seeing beauty in life, because I’m sure I do, but I don’t think about things like that. I’m grateful for stuff and everything, but it’s so poetic to talk about seeing the beauty in life. i could never try to write to inspire or alter hearts. I think you should stop being afraid and go for it.

    And of course those perfect mothers make cookies with their kids and accidentally yell at the little one who dropped the egg, causing it to crack and its contents to drip from the chair, down its leg and into a puddle on the floor at the bottom. Also, they see their kid doing something cute and grab everything from off of the floor and couch and throw it on the kitchen floor and then take that shot. Come on. We’re all varying degrees of the-sameness.

  3. in time out
    Nov 14, 2008 @ 08:58:57

    I completely am in tears right now, for the beauty that you have expressed rhetorically, and for the feelings that you have ignited in me. I understand, truly, the feelings of being so insignificant, and yet realizing how significant you are in one, or two, little persons life. Yesterday my son was sick, on top of feeling insecure, not having an everything in perfect order life, and no attention at all to my ramblings, feeling alone…he asked me to lie with him, snuggle, and when I did all other cares washed away. So today I am trying to do one or two things for me, and the rest for them because in that I know I will feel secure. I also read nienie, but haven’t read c-jane yet. should i?

    Did I say how much I like your writing? I am linking you to my page right now!!!

  4. bythelbs
    Nov 14, 2008 @ 12:34:07

    You can be funny and beautiful. Actually, I’m pretty sure that you are. And I like you this way. Don’t go trying to change too much. 🙂

  5. GrumpyAngel
    Nov 14, 2008 @ 20:41:01

    I think you are an excellent writer of beautiful thoughts and beautiful moments and emotions based on what I’ve read of your work while lurking 🙂 Everything I think is a point of view. I see beauty in life, I just am not as good as you and all those others you mentioned at describing beauty and communicating beauty. As much as I want to be like you or them, I can’t be so I can’t waste time feeling bad about that. I think how we see ourselves depends on who measure ourselves against, and how much we really truly know the real people behind what we see. Sometimes maybe we measure ourselves against an illusion. It’s very hard to compete with what’s not real.

  6. Heidi
    Nov 14, 2008 @ 21:33:58

    Allison, Allison, Allison, you are a beautiful, wonderful, and funny person. (one of my favorites). some of the ways you look at instances in life give me pause and make me contemplate. Some nights were harder than others, But you always made me see the beauty in what you do, did, and you have been an inspiration to me in my own career path. Being a single mom has always made me understand the grace of god a little better, and knowing you has made me see the beauty in things maybe a little harder to understand to other people.
    ps. I did finish reading your book, and you are a wonderful writer..

  7. Pink Ink
    Nov 15, 2008 @ 21:24:11

    It’s hard not to compare and to look from the outside of others’ lives. I do that all the time, too.

    But we all have something to say in our own unique way, and I’m glad I can read how YOU look at life through your blog.

    It’s a wonderful window into an interesting world. 🙂

  8. Lisa M
    Nov 15, 2008 @ 23:50:01

    Couldn’t agree more.

  9. robyn
    Nov 17, 2008 @ 10:41:00

    Oh heck, you have to be who you are. I know what you mean about the feeling less than thing. But you are Wonderland, girlfriend. The power tools alone are worth time around here. And heck who else do I know with a two year old car jacker?

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