Heaving Bosoms

So I picked up this book at work last night. I won’t reveal the title nor the author (professional? courtesy) and all I have to say in my own defense is that I don’t usually read romance novels but it was 3:00 in the morning.

Back to the book. This thing is the quintessential trashy novel. All male bodies are bronzed and rippling with muscle, all females have full well rounded breasts and fiery spirits. All the characters are intelligent, something that we’re told regularly but is never actually displayed (I don’t think that leaving your home with no notice and them marrying a man whom you’ve known for about 2 days (and who is the father of your daughter’s fiance) is particularly intelligent but I probably just don’t have the correct sensibilities.) Oh and the girl apparently has great breath, her breath is mentioned “her breath, fragrant with an intoxicating promise, caressed his face” multiple times.

The sex is not overly graphic (and all participants are married (yes, to each other) so that makes me feel a little more virtuous) although it may get more so, if the skin showing on the cover is any indicator (and it is an indicator) but I once met a woman who wrote erotica and she thought nothing of it so I suppose it’s all relative. I have a friend who jokingly calls these books soft core porn. She’s not too far off the mark.

What gets me about this book is just that it’s really poorly written. We’re told about the electricity that he feels when she’s around. This book is set in the early 1800’s what does he know about electricity? The two main characters are British (what else in a historical romance?) and titled of course (see previous parenthetical statement) and yet the Americans are always calling the chick “lass”. What is that?

Maybe I have an inflated opinion of my own talents but I believe that if I could bring myself to write romance novels I could get published. It’s just that my mother is going to read anything that I get published, my father already does read what I write, I just can’t do it. He told me after I finished my novel that whatever I wrote was being added to the collective American culture and I wanted to be lifting culture rather than bringing it down.

But sometimes I just can’t help but read this stuff.

PS I did plan to write a REAL post today but it’s one that was going to include a lot of pictures and my free 30 days of photoshop ended yesterday.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sallygirl
    May 07, 2008 @ 23:59:50

    I don’t think the fact that you could get published if you wrote smut is a testament to your talents, I think it’s more an observation of how (deep breath before you insult a complete stranger) low society’s standards are. Monkeys could write it.

    Lord knows I should be the last person in the universe to be throwing rocks in the glass house, but everyone has their Chicken Little/slippery slope issue and p*rn is mine. Not that I personally have an affinity for it, but it’s the one vice that will never leave your body and that’s what makes it so threatening.

    Now I feel like a cow for being all doom and gloom on your blog. Sorry! You can come crap on mine anytime, and I’ll even let you borrow the Holy Hand Grenade!

  2. melanie
    May 08, 2008 @ 08:43:57

    change the date on your computer so you can use photoshop and then change it back when your done… or come get it from me.

  3. Catherine
    May 09, 2008 @ 20:53:49

    I remember Sister Bushman talking about the same thing when she lived with Mom and Dad. She wanted so much to be a writer and knew that she could get published if she wrote trashy novels, but ultimately decided it wasn’t worth sacrificing her “tender sensibilities”. I think she’s right.

  4. Mother of the Wild Boys
    Apr 24, 2009 @ 19:16:11

    I loved the romantic scenarios in your novel…you could be like the thinking people’s romance novelist! But, I just liked your novel in general, so I’d pretty much read anything you wrote. 🙂

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