Oh, You Wanted Something Permanent? October 26, 2009

I got some comments with my last post that cereal (two FULL bags of cereal that I BOUGHT!) wasn’t really that big of a deal, it wasn’t permanent after all, it could just be vacuumed up (and by “just” here we mean with at least three separate vacuumings.)

And so, for your viewing pleasure, I give you the Sharpie artwork: (All artwork was produced by the Baby.)

Yes, that’s Sharpie on the carpet too. And on the carpet there.

And that’s just the walls (and carpet) there’s also this: this:

and this: And these: And my personal favorite, the hearth:

I just don’t bother to get mad about the Sharpie anymore.

No, I don’t just have markers lying around the house all the time, 90% of the time I can not figure out where he got the marker that he’s using, but if there’s one in the building he’ll find it (last week he found 2 (TWO!) within the first five minutes of being in church.)

P.S. All walls with Sharpie on them were painted within the last year.

While I Was Upstairs Cleaning the Playroom… October 22, 2009

… the Irish Twins were taking care of the living room:

(The fact that the Infantile Delinquent isn’t pictured does not mean he wasn’t involved (it means he was upstairs changing his underwear.))

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Sometimes people joke with me about having more kids.

I don’t really think it’s funny.

Gaaaaa!!!!!! September 7, 2009

I do not understand why, or indeed how, people persist in having bunches of children.  It seems to me that at some point you reach a kind of critical mass.  And after that point it is impossible to even entertain the idea of having any more not to mention the fact that there are too many children around, and at all hours, for a couple to even be able to do what would be necessary to do in order to have some more.  (I may be sharing a little too much here.)  And for us that point seems to be four.

Game over.

PS.  I do not want to hear about how your critical mass is different than my critical mass or about how you never had a kid make a lake out of your kitchen twice in one day or about how toddlers are so cute or about any of that crap.  Just keep it to yourself ok?  In fact, there, I turned off the comments.  Just go about your business, this misery doesn’t want company, I just want to sit in my corner and howl at the moon.  Now go away.  And take my kids with you.

Today August 11, 2009

When I left my house this evening to come to work, my kitchen might have looked like this:

And I might have been singing a song that went a little bit like this:  “Hahaha, hehehe, I get to go to work and you have to stay here with the children, tehehe.”

And there might have been some maniacal laughter.

I’m just saying…

Swing Low June 16, 2009

Last week I was good.  I was a good mother, a good wife, a reasonable, put together, capable woman.

This week I’m lucky to get a bra on.

Isn’t it fun being a girl?

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As I mentioned yesterday, it’s been raining around here for about 3 months straight, and yet for some reason the Princess hasn’t felt like that’s been enough water.  So yesterday she got out the hose and left 4 inches of standing water, mud really, under the swing set.

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How do people who have children (and husbands) sell their houses?  Ours isn’t even officially for sale yet (although I’d be happy to consider any offers) and already I can see that the whole Realtor calling on the way over to the house thing just isn’t going to work.

I have a friend who kept five laundry baskets in her garage.  When the Realtor called she just pulled out the baskets and tossed everything that wasn’t where it went into the baskets.  Then she tossed the baskets into her car with her kids and away they went.  I think that that’s a good idea but in my case it’s just not going to be sufficient.

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There are people out there who do not have six inches of crap piled on every flat surface.  I know there are, I’ve been in their homes.  Maybe you’re one of them.  What I don’t know is HOW?  How is that possible?

I try, honestly I do.  I’m not afraid to throw things away, I’m not very sentimental and I tend to be pretty pragmatic, I throw away things I know that I might need again, I throw away baby pictures and wedding announcements and … and yet there is a minimum of six inches of crap stacked on each and every horizontal surface in my house. How does this happen?

I don’t know but I’ll tell you what, my next house isn’t going to have any tables, counters or shelves that should solve it. Right?

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I’m so sick of my house at this point that I’m about ready to just take a match to the whole thing.  (I’m begging those of you  who have lived through house fires to not inform me that burning it down does not actually help.  Did you hear me?  BEGGING.)

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I noticed yesterday that my abs were sore.  I’m not really sick, I just have this tickle at the back of my throat and coughing gets rid of it.  Sometimes.  But I tell you what, by the time I get over this I’m gonna be ripped!

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There used to be a DI five minutes from my house.  It was right across the street from the Home Depot even.  Then they closed it and built a brand new really lovely and very functional replacement.  That’s 20 minutes away.  How is that fair?

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Is it nap time yet?

Welcome to My Home, Licking or Non? June 9, 2009

Remember back before we shot our kids up with all kinds of immunizations for diseases that aren’t really all that dangerous and people used to have chickenpox parties. You know, little Timmy down the block would come down with the pox and all the other mothers would bring their kidlets over to play with Timmy because chicken pox are so much easier to deal with and so much less dangerous in little kids than in adults. So all these mothers would intentionally infect their kids with this disease so that they could get it over with.

Well, we went camping this weekend, something that my sister thought that I should have posted about because nobody even died or fell in the river or died or anything. And I’m happy to report that that was true, no one did die or fall in the river (which was especially amazing because we camped right by the river). But see, while it’s amazing that no one died or fell in the river there’s not really much to tell there. In fact, that’s about all there is to tell you, no one died or fell in the river. Someone dying or falling in the river actually makes a much better story. So it’s unlucky for the blog, but lucky for me and mine, that it didn’t happen.

Apparently I got distracted, where was I? Oh yes.

So we went camping and we came home a day early because it was cold up there. Really freaking cold up there. And the kids were coughing, the Infantile Delinquent especially. So we came home and he was just lying on me. And coughing.  And crying. And lying on me. And coughing. And I started to get a little worried.

So I gave him a little ibuprofen and then I took him to the instacare.

When will I learn not to do that?!!! Here’s this kid who’s been lying around, hardly able to lift his head, all day and a teaspoon of the magical elixir later he’s bouncing off the walls.  So I look like the freak mother who’s worried because her child is “sick” only he doesn’t look sick and he doesn’t act sick.

At least he was still coughing.

The doctor was very nice, she said his lungs sounded fine and that there was a good chance that what he had was the “new” flu which is what we’re calling the swine flu now because calling it swine flu is injurious to the swine and calling it H1N1 just sounds stupid.  So we have the “new” flu now but what were’ going to do when there’s a newer flu I just don’t know.  Because calling something the “newer” flu sounds even stupider than calling something H1N1.  In fact, I think there ought to be someone in charge of naming diseases.  Wouldn’t that be a great job? I would like that job.  Just think of the revenge you could exact on old boyfriends, the high school government teacher who almost failed you, that guy who cut you off on the freeway (except that I don’t really have his name.  Maybe I could cultivate a friendship with someone at the DMV…)

And now to get back to the point.

Apparently, they’re seeing a lot of people with the flu. “Flu season-like numbers” in fact. And 85% of the flu patients they’re seeing have the “new” flu. (Although how they’re getting those numbers I’m not sure since they’re not testing for it anymore, and my understanding is that they stopped testing for it because the numbers were so high. Which doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to me but there it is.) My brother’s even (probably) got it and he didn’t even get it from my kids (although he’s got 8 of his own so he doesn’t really need mine to infect him with anything.) But the doctor told me that it’s mostly staying upper-respiratory and lingering for a while and then going away.  And the best way to deal with it is just to get lots of rest and drink lots of fluids.

But then she made a good point, she said that she’d rather get the flu now when it’s relatively mild and then when it goes around this winter and it’s killing people off she’ll be immune.

So I say come on over and I’ll have the InfaDel give you a lick (as if I could stop him). Let’s have a good old fashioned flu party.

On the Other Hand May 21, 2009

There’s 104 days of summer vacation and school comes along just to end it.  So the annual problem for our generation is finding a good way to spend it…

So begins the title song to what may just be my favorite show on television.  And it’s a kids show.

I thought after my long, and somewhat angry, dressing down of Calliou I thought ought to point out that there are actually some fantastic kids shows on TV.  I’m not talking about educational shows, I mean, Little Einsteins is great and all but let’s face it I don’t watch TV for the education I get out of it, I watch it for the entertainment.  And Phineas and Ferb is freaking entertaining.

My older kids just finished two weeks off track and unlike usual I  pretty much just let them sit around and watch TV the whole time.  (Yes, I’m a horrible mother, but i just had too much crap that I had to do to have the time necessary to bug them all the time about turning the TV off again and finding something else to do.)  And in that time I got a chance to see or at least hear a lot of childrens’ programming, in fact I think I have the Disney channel’s schedule memorized.  Here’s what I’ve learned.

Zach and Cody: The one on the boat: Every person who’s had anything at all to do with the making of this show should be taken out behind the sound stage and shot.

Zach and Cody: The one in the hotel: Every person, with the exception of Ashley Tisdale, who’s had anything at all to do with the making of this show should be taken out behind the sound stage and shot.

Sunny with a Chance: I find that I quite like Demi Lovato.  The show is pretty meh but whatever.

The Wizards of Waverly Place: I. Love. Selena Gomez.  This girl could make the phone book interesting.  The writing on the show is, of course, horrible, the story lines are hopelessly contrived and the humor is absolutely humorless.  And yet, I’ll sit down to an episode of WOWP with a smile on my face and I’ll even laugh, because Selena Gomez is AMAZING.

As a side note I’ll mention that I find myself actually (sort of) looking forward to the Disney Channel Original Movie Princess Protection Program because it stars Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez.  And so, while I expect it to be stupid and poorly written and flimsy, a la High School Musical, I figure, with the two of them how bad could it be?

Jonas: No.  Just really, no.

Hannah Montana: Not as painful as it used to be.  I can’t figure out if the acting is getting better or if the nerves in my brain are used to the abuse, beacause really, the show sucks.

Phineas and Ferb: So fantastically amazingly good!!!!!  Seriously, who could not love a show that includes lines like “boredom is a thing, up with which, I will not put.”?  I love this show so much that a few weeks ago when it was my turn to be in charge of the activity for FHE we watched Phineas and Ferb.

Switching channels: (We do that occasionally)

iCarly: Very, very stupid.  Also quite entertaining.

Sponge Bob: I’m not a Sponge Bob fan.

Ben Ten: Differs very little from Batman and Spiderman and all the other superhero shows that the Pea watches when he gets the chance, but I have no real objections.

There are more, oh so many more, but those are the top viewed shows at my house.

How about you? Any recommendations?  (All my shows have just aired their season finales, after all, and Burn Notice doesn’t start until June 4th.)  Shows that make you want to stab yourself in the eye?  Teen stars that you love?  Hate?  Just don’t understand?

Becoming a Twit April 22, 2009

I don’t twit. Or tweet.  Or whatever it is one does on Twitter. And in truth, I’ve never even been to twitter.com.  (I tried to go in anticipation of this post, doing my research you know, but the computer I’m on has some serious parental controls and I can’t get there.)  But my understanding is that it’s a lot like the status updates on Facebook (and heaven knows, I Facebook) only you’re supposed to update then several times a day  (and when people do that on Facebook it’s just annoying).

But I love the status updates on Facebook (do you think I could use the word Facebook a few more times in this post?  I’ll try.)  I especially love coming up with interesting, obscure, but not too obscure status updates.  Unfortunately, I now find myself unable to think in more than 140 characters.

Seriously, I spent all day Monday thinking in status updates.  Am I the only one who does this?

Here’s a short list of the updates I thought of but didn’t post because I was building, and who can be on the computer all day anyway?

*Alison Wonderland is well aware of what her underwear says about her.

*Alison Wonderland is delighted with the beautiful weather.

*Alison Wonderland is spending some quality time with her saw, don’t tell the nail gun.

*Alison Wonderland is still singing the theme song to Phineas and Ferb.

*Alison Wonderland wonders if she is the only person in the neighborhood not celebrating the “holiday”.

*Alison Wonderland is less than delighted by the fact that her one year old shares her love of power tools.

*Alison Wonderland is really glad her children are washable.

*Alison Wonderland thinks that maybe she should take the metal saw blade out of the saw for cutting through wood.

*Alison Wonderland needs a new wood cutting blade for her saw.

*Alison Wonderland is cutting wood with the metal cutting blade, screw the recommendations.

*Alison Wonderland wishes her children would stop messing with her tools.

*Alison Wonderland needs a good long screw.

And at that point I thought it’s a darn good thing I don’t tweet.

Impossibly High Standards -or- Why I don’t Let My Kids Watch Caillou April 15, 2009

I’m generally a fan of children’s programing.  I think most of it is pretty good and let me tell you it’s saved my sanity and the lives of my children on more than one occasion.  But I hate Caillou.

For those who have had the misfortune to watch this particular show, you know that the kid’s annoying and whiny.  But that’s not even (all of) why I hate the show.

I had a vague dislike of Caillou for a long time, mostly due to the aforementioned whininess, but I didn’t really hate the show until I realized that the people who write, direct and produce this show don’t have children.  They don’t have nieces or nephews.  These people have never even met children.

Let me tell you about the episode that really did it for me.

Caillou, a “four year old” (you know I’d be doing air-quotes here if I could) wakes up in the morning and goes down stairs to find his mother and his father making breakfast in the kitchen. Because adults don’t have to work, no, we just get to hang out with our kids and cook for them all day. His father is cooking because we’re nothing if not politically correct on the pre-school programing he’s made pancakes.  But Caillou doesn’t want pancakes, he wants cereal.  And that’s fine because what parent minds wasting the breakfast he’s already made so his kid can eat pre-packaged crap? And because he’s having cereal his little sister wants cereal ok, so apparently one of these writers has been in the same room with a kid before and mom and dad are fine with that.  Caillou, being the “big boy” that he is, wants to pour the milk for his little sister’s cereal.    She doesn’t scream and throw a fit when he tries to do so insisting that mom do it so they’ve been in the room with a child, but not for very long.  Of course, because Caillou’s only four he spills the milk my four -year-olds have been getting themselves their own breakfasts for two years, they have pouring milk down cold again, the sister doesn’t cry.  But she does still want cereal.  And now they’re out of milk.  “No problem” mom says smiling, we’ll just go to the store and get some more” because well, we’ve already established that adults don’t have to work so they have all day to go to the store to get milk even when there are still perfectly good pancakes sitting on the kitchen table!! But little sister’s still hungry.  Don’t worry, dad can hold her off with a banana.  She really wants cereal but she’ll be fine with that. Seriously?! So mom and Caillou walk to the store who doesn’t like a little morning stroll?  And who doesn’t have a store close enough to walk to?  Probably it’s a little mom and pop market with organic produce and other all natural local products. And on the way home from the store Caillou gets distracted by the crack in the sidewalk, and the little bird and the who knows what all and the mother who’s carrying the milk just keeps smiling and encouraging his inquisitiveness and isn’t life lovely, there’s no “hey sweetie hurry up,” there’s no “hey kid this milk is getting heavy”, there’s no “dude hurry up, at this rate it’s going to be lunch time before we get home and your dad needs to get to work sometime TODAY SO GET A FREAKING MOVE ON ALREADY!!!!!”

How am I supposed to compete with that?

I can’t.

So my children are never allowed to see it.

I Should Probably Blog About Something April 12, 2009

But what?

Easter?  Almost certainly, but I probably won’t.

The new (to me) and as yet unnamed laptop that I’m writing this on?  I got it free thanks to my brother.  It’s got a few quirks but what around here doesn’t?  And now that topic’s pretty much completely exhausted.

I could tell you some more stories about my neighbors and why it’s imperative that we move… Bah, I don’t think I’m up to it.  These are some good stories, they require s good story teller, and that’s not me tonight.

How about I tell you about how I walked into my kitchen to find the Baby on the floor playing with razor blades?  Well see, I walked in the kitchen and the Baby was sitting on the floor playing with razor blades.  Oh, and an open safety pin.  They were the razor blades that I found in the tub of baby toys in the playroom about a week ago.  (And now you’re all clamoring to bring your kids over for a play date.)  I have no idea where they came from before that.  (Can you believe I was overlooked for mother of the year again this year?)

I could blog about…

Ah, forget it.